7 Deadly Sins: Close But No Cigar

Middle School was weird. The rich kids had braces and name-brand juices in their lunchboxes, while the rest of us were stuck painting our friend’s parents’ basements for a f*cking Subway sandwich.

As those formative years reflect the special time a young woman most desperately needs Jesus; I found myself tagging along to different youth groups pretty regularly.

My teacher’s pet tendencies thrived in those settings; enabling me to speed-cram bible facts and regurgitate them fast enough to earn exotic flavored chapsticks and warm cans of Sprite.

I’ve attended church three separate times since college. Maybe if they still offered mystery grab bags, I’d be able to restore the habit.

Fear not. I still manage to live with immense guilt and stunning awareness of my daily shortcomings. Must be that generational Irish-Catholic trauma. Can’t live with it, can’t live… with it.

Continue reading for a log of some of my lighter, long overdue confessions. I hope they inspire a laugh (or ten) and serve as a reminder to try to take ourselves less seriously.

1. Pride. I pretended to like Quest bars in efforts to win a man’s affection. I gagged each time I swallowed a thick, gritty, synthetic birthday cake bite. One week I sold a record 10 original paintings and convinced myself I’d found a new career. I’ve proudly shared hundreds of images of my new puppy – something I’d promised I’d never do.

2. Greed. I have fallen into the trappings of (multiple) weekly Amazon orders. I’ve indulged in stocking a cabinet of candles “just incase” my favorite scents should be discontinued.

3. Lust. As an avid Weeknd fan, I’ve sang along with tunes that would ban me from Easter Sunday as a whole. I’ve fallen in love with an internet celebrity that solely posts videos of himself chopping wood.

4. Envy. The rise of Tik-Tok had me longing for my 19 year old form (with the muted cheer moves to boot). I’ve challenged myself to unfollow hundreds of vapid IG models, who distracted me from the more important things in life.

5. Gluttony. When COVID hammered the stake in my already waning social life, I turned to the comforts of Starbucks. I guzzled more Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brews than total bagels I ate in college. That’s saying something.

6. Wrath. I’ve cheered against Redbull Racing, resentful of their disrespect towards Daniel Ricciardo; pegging Christian Horner nothing short of a snide anti-hero. I submitted a very Karen review of a god-awful hotel.

7. Sloth. I’ve taken advantage of any and all puppy cuddle opportunities; turning planned 5:00 am wake-ups to sluggish Saturday mornings. For over a year, I’ve forgone traditional grocery stores for the convenience of my local Target. The premiums on cucumbers are criminal.

Make no mistake, I relish in the mundane nature of these sins.

Had I reflected on my goings-on a few years ago; my heart would have overflowed with chaos, shame, and unprocessed trauma.

I like who I am now. Here’s to doing better and being better.

P.S. Click here for a playlist to get you through the dog days of summer!

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Oscar Wilde

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