Top 10: Party Fouls

Once we shake the side effects of this glorious vaccine, we’re gonna party like it’s 1996! No diggity, no doubt.

Now, as with anything in these post-modern-pandemic ages; we’re gonna have to institute some new guidelines.

Similarly to washing hands and staying off my ass in the checkout lane, these rules should have been implemented ages ago.

As a fair warning, these aren’t your grandma’s rules. You already know the Refill the Ice Tray Etiquette. Now it’s time to level up!

1. Do not accept obligatory invites. If you’re going to be miserable, don’t attend. RSVP a heartfelt, honest-enough ‘no’ in a timely manner. It’s 2021, we’re not attracted to codependency anymore.

2. Do not arrive empty handed. Unless you were specifically told not to, bring something. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Bonus points if you’ll be having some too. Sharing is caring.

3. Play music that matches the vibe. Avoid playing a reel of only your favorites. Ask for requests early and often. And, for f*cks sake, ditch the breakup songs.

4. Abandon all “too cool for this” behavior. Participate in all the games. Dance. And, for the love of god… if it’s a costume party… WEAR A COSTUME! Show some respect around here!

5. Do not discuss the caloric density or sugar content of any given food or drink. 1) It’s free. 2) Let the people live.

6. Thou shalt not use Bernie Sanders’ name in vain. We’ve been through enough as it is.

7. All parties must operate in accordance to their local fire codes; limiting each venue to a maximum of 2 Geminis in attendance.

8. Do not play “perfect”. While one is not required to dwell in the misery of others, we’d really prefer you don’t pretend your relationship/job/mental health is perfect. That charade is bad for everyone involved. Time to stop perpetuating the illusion that everyone else is just peachy.

9. Unglue your eyes from your phone. Enjoy the company and the conversation. Or, go hang out with those other people instead! It’s really that easy!

10. Most importantly, don’t overstay the welcome. Ask when the party ends. Don’t drag on past the 3rd “wow, that’s crazy,” or the 4th audible yawn. We all know that feeling when we just wanna slide into cozy pajamas and eat some pizza rolls. Let ‘em get to it.

P.S. Click here for a party playlist that will knock your socks right off. I triple dog dare ya!


“I like large parties. They’re so intimate. At small parties, there isn’t any privacy.”

The Great Gatsby. F. Scott Fitzgerald.

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