Welcome to: Planet Earth

Welcome to Planet Earth, aliens! We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your vehicle’s extended warranty.

In all seriousness, your arrival has been much anticipated.

The Locusts were a bit overzealous; though we did admire the razzle dazzle of the Murder Hornets you sent. Ya’ll never lose your sense of humor and we appreciate it.

You’ve arrived just in time for our season finale. Please do not confuse this with our series finale. Renewal for 2022 is still TBD. For this reason, please refrain from releasing the Black Hole Extravaganza until sweeps.

As you settle in, please beware of Joe Rogan and his band of psychedelic cronies. They’re the beefy ones with the unique stench of turmeric and the residual orange aura.

While they’re relatively harmless, they’ll talk your ear off; not stopping until you’re mildly misogynistic, staunchly justified in substance abuse, and confirmed to be in a congealed state of ketosis. We prefer you avoid this detour as your time here is limited.

Before I forget, Elon asked me to tell you to keep an eye out for the Roadster he sent you. Tracking details estimate it should arrive by Spring. And, as a personal request, please take Experiment 45 back with you. Everyone’s onto him.

In order to help you remain undetected during your stay, I’ve included the Top 10 unspoken rules of our modern society below. Please read them carefully.

1. When all vehicles arrive to a stop sign at the same moment, the right-most vehicle has the right-of-way. Exception: If a pick-up truck is present, that vehicle automatically has the right-of-way.

Note: If both arriving vehicles are pick-up trucks, the lifted truck has the right-of-way. Additionally, those with the Monster energy drink decals are not required to come to full stop.

2. Anyone that begins a conversation with “Hey ladies!” is selling you something. That ‘something’ is a scam.

3. Subway sandwich restaurants operate as safe-havens for petty thieves and full-blown crime syndicates alike. Think John Wick and The Continental. Yes, even the gas station locations are in-network.

4. We celebrate Jesus’ birthday every year. Yes, still. No, it’s not up for debate. Yes, many assume he was white (the matrix is glitchy, ok!). The birthday party starts the day after Thanksgiving and ends between New Years and Valentine’s Day; or, whenever our depression breaks long enough to clean it all up.

5. Every so often, we must visit The Dentist. He must carefully inspect the little bones in our mouths. If he should find any tiny holes (no matter how microscopic), he will patch them with silver. Feel free to stock up before returning home. Don’t pay mind to his wildly offensive comments, he’s visiting from Hell.

6. Abel Tesfaye, Nate Bargatze, and Sal Vulcano are America’s Sweethearts. You must not use their names in vain. Click here to catch up on the prized Nateland podcast! You will not regret it.

7. When we are overwhelmed with stress, sadness, or heartbreak; we take naps. It’s very important to not appear as too practical or high-functioning otherwise. We don’t want solutions. We want sleep.

8. We require brevity, as our attention spans are nearly extinct. Tell it to us in 280 characters or less. Show us in under 60 seconds. Swipe right. Make it sexy. Download it into our consciousness. And if you don’t, we’ll groan “that was X hours of my life I’ll never get back!” (as if we had anywhere more important to be…) [Click here for more on this topic!]

9. Netflix documentaries are as polarizing as American politics. Are you team Avery or team Manitowoc? Tristan Harris or Facebook? Baskin or Exotic? Ricciardo or Verstappen? Pick your side and be prepared to stake a corresponding flag on your front lawn.

10. Save for our treasured Bernie Sanders, these humans do not yet understand the concept of oneness. They silo their riches. They repress images of their starving neighbors as they sleep soundly. They cling to pride and entitlement. And, unless you wish to stand out, don’t spoil the surprise.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and rate us 5 suns on MilkyWayB&B!

P.S. Click here for a Spotify playlist endorsed by your second-cousin twice removed, David Goggins!

“We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness.”

Thich Naht Hahn.

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