Top 10: (Almost) Conspiracy Theories

In a world where QAnon exists, absolutely anything goes. So, I’ll keep it short and sweet (like Joe Rogan’s podcast ft. Alex Jones should’ve been).

Since we’re all allowed to speak freely, loudly, and with some rather shady source references; I’m pleased to share a few of my very own conspiracy theories.

If you liked chemtrails, you’ll love these.

1. Christian Bale is Bruce Wayne’s other alter-ego.

2. Target is a registered affiliate of the Potawatomi casino group.

3. McDonald’s Diet Coke has hella calories. How else would it get that magnificent flavor?

4. The Ketogenic diet and all modern myths of ketosis were manufactured by Big Beef Jerky.

5. Kombucha is the secret ingredient in Mr. Clean’s magic erasers. And vice versa.

6. Spirit Halloween lobbied the 14-day quarantine program in order to tank property values.

7. Yoga pants were invented to resolve historically low birth rates in the United States.

8. Starbucks’ espresso chemical compounds mimic modern day Adderall. Order a Venti Doubleshot and see into tomorrow.

9. 5G Towers are stuffed full of hipsters’ recycled Edison bulbs.

10. Donald Trump passed peacefully in 1992. Sacha Baron Cohen has been operating his flash-frozen corpse since then.

In all seriousness, the Democrats aren’t here to mine your childrens’ hormones. They’ll simply settle for half of your income. #jklol #Bernie2024

“It’s hard to believe in coincidence, but it’s even harder to believe in anything else.”

John Green.

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